Four years back tracking .

I usually don't like to get into my personal Life too much here and especially being connected now with Facebook . But maybe this is something I just have to say to myself in writing , instead of only thinking about it .

Over the last four years , I been through some Life- changing experiences .. that's for sure . With myself , with my close Family and Friends alike .

One thing this has taught me though , is I now know who " Really " is Family and who is not . Or .. I should say .. I'm not considered part of their/my former Family . The first year , began with me going to Visit my Family in Germany .. that I had not been back in 29 years . The first couple of months were very much , where I felt I lost the will to go on . I went through many emotions , trying to blame somebody for loosing my Wife of almost 30 years . Then , I blamed myself .. maybe I could have done something different ? Then of course being by yourself all of a sudden and realizing Life has taken the someone that I loved the most away from me .

Before depression got the best of me , some of my Family member's pushed me to go and see my Mom along with all other Aunt's/Uncles and Cousin's I still had in Germany . It took awhile to see this was for my best interest , to get away for awhile and get my Mind off what had happened back home . Not that I wanted to run away from it all , oh no .. it very much followed me there too . I was there two weeks , with some bad days and some not so bad . Sleeping was not really a problem for me , because I had Nancy's Nightgown right next to me to hold close . Going places of old and seeing how big my Family had grown over all those years ., this kept me busy and real tired at the end of each day . My first Cousin's all had their own Children already , while they were .. well close to my Age now . One could really see time has flown by , but then again .. I'm not spring chicken anymore either .
Overall , this Trip was what I needed to calm down and start to think .. what I will do next ?

After returning , seeing an empty House each and everyday .. wasn't something I was looking forward to . On top of this , I now had to Cook my own Meals .. something I did not need to do .. as I was spoiled with Dinner always waiting for me to get home from Work .

So the next year or so , I actually started to enjoy cooking my own Meal . I am not the Person to go out to Eat at an Restaurant by myself , with the exception .. Breakfast on some weekends . Having now to attend taking care of the " Whole " house inside and outside and trying to keep in contact with Family on a regular bases .. was not an easy task . It was getting to me , as there really weren't enough hours in a day to handle all of this .

This is when I had my first thoughts , finding again a Companion ( Lady/Wife ) . When this is something I had earlier told myself .. I'd never marry again . So strange things started to happen ( my earlier Blog will explain some of that ) , much to an Ill delight of some of my close Family . I do not need to mention any names , as they know exactly who they are . Anyway , I try'd to keep in contact with as many as I could . From some I received answers , while other's stayed silent . For this I received some great advise from my Neighbors and I quote " It is YOUR Life and if any don't like you for that .. Scr** them " Well , I don't really never liked Cursing/bad Language , but I think He had made his point quite well . He was right . I started to treat anybody the way they treated me . I contacted all in one way or the other , if I received NO or a NEGATIVE response .. I didn't feel bad for myself .. I felt bad for them and left it at that .

I'm not going to run after People , because they believe .. I did not behaved/acted to their liking . My Life kept on moving and I did what I was shown from within and above . So I really only have to thank one ... and that is the Lord my God ... where I am right now in my latter part of my Life . I have no regrets , I'm not guilty of anything major ( except some small Sins ) . Oh yeah .. I'm not perfect and never claimed to be .

I see my new LaoPo ( Qing ) as an Reward .. having done something right in my earlier Life to deserve a second GREAT Wife in my Lifetime .

For any thinking , I forgot or stopped loving my late Wife ( Nancy ) , well I know where I stand on this .. I also know who stands behind me with the same Love I gave and still do . Those I thank with all my Heart for making me still welcomed as part of their Family .

I also must thank my LaoPo , as she is standing .. not behind me .. but NEXT to me through it all .